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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28075416">ever, and evermore</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/moffwithhishead/pseuds/casdoms'>casdoms (moffwithhishead)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Episode Fix-It: s15e20 Carry On, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e19 Inherit the Earth</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 18:07:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,349</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28075416</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/moffwithhishead/pseuds/casdoms</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Here he was, thinking there was a giant neon sign on his forehead, making him look like an idiot all these years. All these years that Dean’s just been working on the assumption that Cas couldn’t actually, y’know, fall in love with anyone, and worrying that everyone knew and he just -</p><p>Castiel really didn’t know.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel &amp; Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>288</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>SPN Finale "Destiel is CANON" Collection</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>ever, and evermore</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So, I've been trying to write this thing for like two weeks, and I have like four different versions of it. This is the one that feels the most correct, the most real - a delicate balance of trying to make it honest, while also not making it too much. I know that Dean is very vulnerable in this, very honest, but damn, I really can't see him doing anything else. There is more to this that I've written but am having a hard time flushing out, so if you want to see Sam finding out about them let me know. </p><p>title is from "long story short" by taylor swift because a bitch really came through with the deancas soundtrack, huh?</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dean finds him in the bunker.</p><p>Sam is with Eileen, doing something Dean doesn’t want to know about - maybe making little Sam’s or something.</p><p>He’s exhausted when he gets home. He barely has the wherewithal to take off his dirty boots at the garage door.</p><p>His shoulders ache and his neck cracks as he rubs it, a small groan escaping his lips. He hasn’t stopped smiling.</p><p>Dean hears the air kick on, the old vents in the bunker shaking with the effort to warm the place up, just as he opens his bedroom door.</p><p>And he’s just... there.</p><p>He’d wondered the whole drive home if Jack had done it. If Jack had managed to really bring everyone back.</p><p>And there he is. Castiel is just standing there in his suit, trench coat thrown across the bed. Looking the same as he did before the Empty took him.</p><p>He looks nervous. If Dean didn’t know any better, he’d say that Cas looks terrified.</p><p>And fuck, Dean knows he’s not good at this, but -</p><p>“Did you know?” Dean drops his bag next to the dresser, his eyes never leaving Cas.</p><p>Castiel’s face contorts slightly, confused that this is what he chose for his opening line.</p><p>“I...”</p><p>He squints, and Dean is suddenly reminded that while Cas will never admit it, Dean thinks he needs glasses. It makes him smile despite how nervous he is now.</p><p>“Did I know what, Dean?”</p><p>Here he was, thinking there was a giant neon sign on his forehead, making him look like an idiot all these years. All these years that Dean’s just been working on the assumption that Cas couldn’t actually, y’know, fall in love with anyone, and worrying that everyone knew and he just -</p><p>Castiel really didn’t know.</p><p>Dean takes a step forward and reaches out to grab Cas’s hand, but thinks better of it. He should probably focus if he’s actually going to try to say something.</p><p>“I, um,” he shifts uncomfortably, a hand coming up to rub his neck again. “I’m not - I’m not good at this, Cas, ok? So like...” Dean licks his lips, nervously glancing at him, “Just, let me get this out.”</p><p>Castiel’s face has softened, but he clearly doesn’t know what Dean’s about to say and he’s not sure if the ache in his chest means he wants to cry or laugh about it.</p><p>“I...”</p><p>Dean has to look away for a moment. It’s embarrassing as hell, but sometimes it feels like Cas can see all the way into his soul (he probably can). Nobody knows him as well as Castiel does, and nobody in all his 40-something years on this earth can make him feel as vulnerable. Having that connection with someone means more to Dean than he’ll ever admit, he knows that, but still… it makes it hard to think.</p><p>“Look, I, uh, I really thought you knew...” he laughs a little bit, smiling to himself. “I mean hell, every fucking angel and demon never shut up about it to me, anyways.”</p><p>Dean takes a beat before going over to his bed abruptly, feeling antsy with it.</p><p>Maybe if he keeps moving, maybe if he makes himself a moving target Castiel won’t be able to see how fucking scared he is.</p><p>The thought makes Dean literally stop in his tracks because it’s the first time he’s admitted that, even to himself. He drops down onto his bed with the weight of the realization, and it’s all Dean can do not to laugh at himself. He’s <em>scared</em>.  </p><p>“I’m sorry I didn’t say anything.”</p><p>It comes out as more of a whisper than anything, and Dean sighs, his eyes never leaving Castiel’s feet.</p><p>“I don’t know, I just... I kinda always thought it would be me, y’know?” He finally looks up and catches Cas’s eye, smiling. “Last ditch, last night on earth thing. It’s my best line.”</p><p>Castiel huffs, slowly walking over to sit on the bed with Dean.</p><p>“I guess I just...” Dean keeps his eyes on their feet, hoping he doesn’t chicken out.</p><p>“I thought you knew... and I guess I thought that you just...” He shrugs, feeling dumb saying it now, “I don’t know. Didn’t love me or whatever.”</p><p>Castiel sets a hand on Dean’s thigh and almost all of the tension drains out of his body.</p><p>It’s kind of embarrassing how easily Cas can play him. Pluck all the right strings, strum all the right chords, and make Dean putty in his hands.</p><p>For years, he’s wondered if Cas knows, if he does it on purpose – the looks he gives Dean sometimes, the carefully placed hands when he’s upset, the way he heals him even. There’s a part of him that thinks Castiel isn’t doing it on purpose, and then sometimes he gives him this look and it’s just…</p><p>Castiel interrupts his train of thought with a sigh, “Dean...”</p><p>He looks up without meaning to and almost chokes on all the emotions he’s trying to sort through when he sees the look on Castiel’s face.</p><p>“I suppose we both were...” Castiel is so earnest and it drives Dean insane.</p><p>“Idiots.”</p><p>Dean let’s out a loud bark of a laugh, his forehead falling onto Castiel's shoulder.</p><p>“Yeah, I guess we were.”</p><p>An arm wraps itself around Dean’s back, half a second before he feels Castiel kiss his head.</p><p>“I’m sorry I never said anything,” Dean mumbles.</p><p>His fingers have grabbed Castiel’s tie and he’s fidgeting with it, trying to keep himself busy so he doesn’t do something stupid.</p><p>It’s been omnipresent for years now. An immutable truth that Dean’s been running from for years, because, well...</p><p>Castiel has ruined him.</p><p>If he left and never came back, Dean wouldn’t survive it.</p><p>Sure, he’d try to keep going, if only because he knows that anything else would just hurt him. And he’s so tired, so fucking tired, of hurting Cas.  </p><p>He thinks about that for a moment before moving so he can meet Castiel’s eyes, “Hey...”</p><p>Dean sets a hand on his cheek without thinking about it. Castiel’s arm falls so his hand is resting on Dean’s hip instead of his arm.</p><p>“Why didn’t you say anything?”</p><p>Castiel huffs, amused. “If I had, would it have been received well?”</p><p>Dean thinks about it for a minute, his thumb absently running over the lines on Castiel’s face.</p><p>He’s had his mojo back for a while, but this isn’t a vessel anymore. Hasn’t been for a long time. And at some point, over the last couple years, Castiel started looking Dean’s age.</p><p>It’s a good look on him.</p><p>“Cas,” he starts, his hand settling on the back of his angel’s head. “You remember what Hester said?”</p><p>Dean does. He remembers it vividly. Between that and the Mark, he’s had a hell of a time the last decade trying not to drown with the guilt of bringing everyone he loves down.</p><p>Castiel hums, the hand on Dean’s hip rubbing absentmindedly, “Vaguely.”</p><p>He hadn’t been himself back then. That Cas had scared the shit out of Dean.</p><p>“She said that the very touch of me corrupts...”</p><p>His voice is quiet, damn near soft even.</p><p>“That when you laid a hand on me in Hell or whatever...” Dean sighs, “You were lost.”</p><p>The hand that’s been playing with Castiel’s tie comes up to rest, open palmed, on his chest. Feeling his chest move out of nothing more than habit, nothing more than something Cas does to make Dean feel comfortable, grounds him.</p><p>“I don’t know when I fell in love with you,” he admits after a moment. “Over the years I’ve tried to pinpoint a moment -“ Dean chuckles, “The moment, I guess... when it happened.”</p><p>He’s smiling now, even though he’s terrified.</p><p>He has nothing to be scared of, he knows that now. But Dean’s never been good at this stuff - the feelings stuff. Vulnerability.</p><p>He’s spent his whole life trying not to get hurt out there fighting monsters. Dean still hasn’t figured out how to differentiate a broken heart from a mortal wound - they feel the same.</p><p>“For a while I thought,” Dean starts, stopping himself after a beat.</p><p>Castiel leans forward, his forehead coming to rest against Dean’s.</p><p>“For a long time, I thought it was that moment in Chuck’s kitchen...” He sighs, closing his eyes after a moment, “When you threw everything away. For me.”</p><p>“I did it because it was the right thing to do,” Castiel reminds him quietly.</p><p>Dean huffs, a couple tears spilling out, “Yeah, yeah I know.”</p><p>They’ve had this fight before. That Castiel has always been in control of his destiny, of his choices and Dean wasn’t to feel responsible for any of them. It wasn’t his fault. Castiel made all of his choices that Dean felt guilty for, all on his own. And he’d make those choices all over again, if presented the opportunity.</p><p>He sniffs, laughing when he feels one of Castiel’s hands wipe the tears away, “But, Cas, you... you had me.”</p><p>Dean opens his eyes up so he can look at Cas.</p><p>He’s crying too and Dean finds himself laughing again, both of his hands coming up to Castiel’s face. He wipes the tears away as they fall, his chest aching with how much he loves him.</p><p>“I think I was lost too,” Dean admits. “I think I’ve been in love with you this whole time. From the moment you touched me in hell, I think-“</p><p>Dean clears his throat, trying to collect himself.</p><p>“Damn it.” He tries to laugh but it comes out more like a sob, “I really didn’t want to cry.”</p><p>At that, Castiel actually laughs and he’s got that big, gummy smile on his face. The one that makes Dean feel like he’s a kid again and his first crush laughed at his joke. Makes Dean feel like he accomplished something.</p><p>“It’s okay,” Cas promises him. He looks like he wants to say more but he can’t come up with anything except, “It’s okay.”</p><p>Dean shakes his head, all the feelings he’s been trying to ignore for the last twelve years washing over him at once, “‘S not ok.”</p><p>He never imagined telling Cas any of this where he wasn’t dying. He never let himself imagine that Cas felt the same way. He never believed that this - it might turn out ok for Dean.</p><p>Castiel pulls Dean into a full body hug, pressing kisses all over his head when Dean hides his face in his neck.</p><p>“I love you so much you stubborn, infuriating man,” Cas says in between kisses.</p><p>It startles a laugh out of Dean and he tightens his arms around Cas.</p><p>Castiel uses his strength to move them so they’re laying together on Dean’s bed. The bed isn’t quite big enough for the two of them to fit comfortably, but Cas makes a good pillow.</p><p>Stupidly, in between the hiccuped sobs Dean can’t seem to stop, it occurs to him that he’s going to need a bigger bed.</p><p>What a bizarrely wonderful thought.</p><p>Castiel rubs his back through it, mumbling in enochian periodically. Dean’s not sure if he’s talking to himself or Dean but he doesn’t really care.</p><p>Cas is here. And he loves Dean.</p><p>After a little while Dean sniffs, his grip on Cas loosening. He hadn’t realized how tired he was.</p><p>The hand that had been running through his hair stills momentarily, “Go to sleep, Dean.”</p><p>He wants to, but he lifts his head up enough to look at Cas first. He’s definitely getting soft in his old age, because Cas smiles like he knows what Dean’s thinking before he gets to say it.</p><p>“I’m not going anywhere, Dean,” he promises. “Sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.”</p><p>Dean does.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>When he wakes up, he has no idea how long it’s been.</p><p>His neck aches from the weird angle and his face feels a little sticky from the tears and the drool (gross). Above him, Castiel is snoring quietly, his face soft.</p><p>Dean’s heart jumps at the sight.</p><p>Dean rolls over so he’s completely on top of Cas, groaning with the effort.</p><p>Jesus, he’s too old to be sharing beds like this.</p><p>For all the weight that’s shifted onto him suddenly, Castiel doesn’t even stir a little bit.</p><p>That’s okay.</p><p>Dean gave Cas a lot of shit for it over the years, but it just felt weird. Cas could see him in his most vulnerable state and, well... angels didn’t sleep.</p><p>Cas did in purgatory. Dean would watch him sometimes when he couldn’t turn his brain off.</p><p>He’s beautiful when he sleeps.</p><p>He doesn’t need to sleep, hasn’t since he was human, but Cas enjoys it. He admitted to Dean once after a couple drinks that it was the only time, he truly experienced silence... peace.</p><p>‘<em>Heaven is peaceful, in a sense</em>,’ he’d admitted, his eyes on the melting ice in his glass. ‘<em>But it’s so loud, Dean. That much love and grief in one place, it’s... deafening</em>.’</p><p>Castiel had said that Dean was the most caring human on earth. Dean wonders if he knows how much that isn’t true.</p><p>He knows that he cares too much, too deeply, it’s something he’s hated for years. Can’t separate himself from the job, can’t help but feel the heartbreak of people they meet on cases, to carry their grief with him.</p><p>But Castiel has the biggest, most forgiving heart Dean’s ever seen. Sometimes he’s jealous that Cas can feel so much, and not let it destroy him so completely. Not let it debilitate him.</p><p>He wonders if Castiel knows what a good person he is. Wonders if he knows how much he’s inspired Dean to be better, to be kinder, to not be so scared of feeling so much.</p><p>He presses a kiss to Castiel’s cheek without thinking about it.</p><p>“You scare the hell out of me, man,” Dean whispers, tracing a finger over Castiel’s shirt. “I thought I was going to end up like Bobby for the longest time... a grumpy old fuck with nobody but a dog I barely liked to come home to at night...”</p><p>He sighs quietly, snuggling close to Cas again, “That was the best-case scenario... I never really thought I’d make it this long. Thought I’d die in a fight, too young and too little time on this rock. Hunters don’t really retire, you know?”</p><p>The heat kicks on again, the old system clunking to life around them.</p><p>“And then you brought me back to life... y’know, that night in the barn, I was terrified. I thought I was gonna shit myself for a second there-“ Dean snorts a little, “Bobby too. But then...”</p><p>He smiles against Castiel’s neck, “Every time you showed up it felt like I couldn’t breathe, man. Made me feel like everything was off kilter. I should’ve been scared, but I wasn’t... I couldn’t stop thinking about you when you weren’t around.”</p><p>Dean hooks his ankle around Cas’s, “It wasn’t until after Zach sent me to that alternate universe that I figured out why... that us, that Cas and Dean, they were... I don’t know.”</p><p>They’d been a thing, clearly, but it had freaked Dean out how much they fought. How much that Dean hated what his Castiel did. How guilty both of them had felt watching him.</p><p>“When it clicked,” he sighs, his voice still quiet. “You got scary again. I didn’t want to do that to you - to break you like that. You deserved better than that.”</p><p>He doesn’t say that the realization of how much he was in love with Cas freaked him out because for the first time, maybe ever, Dean felt like he had something to lose. Before Cas, dying was scary but it was whatever. If he died saving someone, it would be worth it.</p><p>After Cas?</p><p>Dying meant that he wouldn’t get to see him smile anymore. He wouldn’t get to hear Castiel’s laugh, the real one that makes Dean feel like putty. He wouldn’t get to introduce him to all the wonderful things about the world, about being human. Loving Cas made everything feel like it had a purpose, like he had something to live for, something to fight for.</p><p>Knowing that somebody cared about him who wasn’t under some sort of obligation to care, it just… it was impossible to wrap his head around for the longest time. And then when he did, when he was able to accept that Castiel cared about him… if he let himself think about that too much he’d be paralyzed with it.  </p><p>Dean grew up thinking he’d be lucky to make it to 30.</p><p>And the idea of one person, forever, or even just a life beyond that - beyond hunting, beyond monsters, beyond what the universe had planned out for him - was terrifying.</p><p>Now, he’s here on the wrong side of 40, and the love of his life sleeping underneath him.</p><p>Not only that, but Chuck’s not god anymore. For the first time in his life, Dean’s got some honest to god free will.</p><p>Huh.</p><p>He wonders if Cas remembers that night after his date, when he was human, and what they’d talked about.</p><p>He wonders if Cas remembers the idea of a bed and breakfast for hunters.</p><p>Wonders if he remembers Dean trying to describe his dream without outright saying, ‘And you’d be there, with me.’ Because he didn’t deserve Castiel then, and he barely deserves him now, but at some point, Cas became just as important as Sam. Maybe more, in a different way.</p><p>This love that Dean feels for Castiel is big and loud and messy, and it always has been. Even in the quiet moments of grief, it’s always felt like a siren going off in his chest. It’s bigger than anything Dean’s ever felt before... and until the other day, he had no idea that Cas loved him too.</p><p>They’re both so stupid.</p><p>Thinking about it now, it makes sense. Castiel loves so fully, it’s absurd to Dean that he didn’t see it. He knows Cas better than he knows anyone, better than Sam even, and Dean was so distracted by his own love that he didn’t see it.</p><p>And maybe that’s the difference - Dean’s love is loud and, in your face, and suffocating. It’s so loud that sometimes Dean can’t even hear it over his own screaming over it.</p><p>But Castiel? His love is quiet and deliberate, private even, and so purposeful that if he doesn’t want you to know, you’ll miss it. He loves with every fiber of his being and he gives people he loves the ability to destroy him so easily that it scares Dean.</p><p>Well... they might have that one in common.</p><p>Castiel was it for Dean the second he laid hands on him in Hell.</p><p>Dean was it for Castiel when he saw such a bright, pure soul stay so vibrant and defiantly good in Hell.</p><p>As soon as the realization hits Dean all over again that this, this right here, is everything he’s always wanted and been too scared to admit -</p><p>Castiel kisses Dean’s ear, “I know, Dean. You don’t have to say it.”</p><p>Dean pushes himself up so his arms are framing Castiel’s head. He needs to look at him when he says it.</p><p>“I love you, Cas. So much it scares me.”</p><p>Castiel just smiles, understanding radiating off of him, “Me too.”</p><p>His arms give out after a minute, sending Dean down onto his angel (or maybe Dean feels like they’re too far apart now that they can do this).</p><p>Dean huffs, a bit petulant, “Stay.”</p><p>“Okay,” Castiel promises, his arms coming up to wrap around Dean.</p><p>“Forever,” he requests after a moment.</p><p>An indelicate snort escapes Cas, but he just presses a kiss to the crown of Dean’s head.</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>No more keeping score</em><br/>
<em>Now I just keep you warm</em><br/>
<em>No more tug of war now</em><br/>
<em>I just know there's more</em><br/>
<em>No more keeping score</em><br/>
<em>Now I just keep you warm</em><br/>
<em>And my waves meet your shore</em><br/>
<em>Ever and evermore</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>find me on tumblr at deansmom ✨ </p><p>
  <a href="https://deansmom.tumblr.com/post/637511791134621696/ao3-link-dean-finds-him-in-the-bunker-sam-is-with">here's the rebloggable post</a>
</p></blockquote></div></div>
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